Broken . . .

  • By Brenda Buckingham
  • 02 Aug, 2014
Good Morning!  I haven’t blogged for over 3 months.  The last few months have been a blur of emotions and changes.  So many times I have started to blog, but just didn’t feel like I could put what I was thinking on paper  . . . even if it is only “cyber paper.”  The life […]

That being said, the last few months have brought about quite a bit of change for me, on a very personal level.  It has been a time of great self-evaluation.  I have asked God to show me what I need to change, to make it clear to me the direction my life needs to move.  He has very clearly closed some doors and I pray He will open others.  When things began crumbling, I found myself at a place I am not sure I have ever been before.  I felt alone.  I felt hurt.  But more than that, I felt broken.  Yes, I have dealt with grief at some level before.  I have been hurt and even mistreated.  But I had always felt hopeful.  I had always simply expected the sun to shine and for life to get better.  But this time, for the first time, I didn’t expect that.  Instead, I found myself feeling changed . . . saddened, removed and . . . yes . . . “broken.

Have you ever felt broken?  Have you ever felt like you finally passed a threshold that doesn’t allow you to turn around and go back . . . or even to choose another door?  Sort of like the Hotel California . . . you can never leave.  I found myself contemplating my new “state of being.”  I felt sort of numb.  Perhaps like someone just observing the life of another but not really living it.  As I watched this life . . . this life I somehow felt disconnected from . . . there was an odd peace.  Not happiness . . . no, I knew I was still mourning the loss of friendship and normalcy, but peace never-the-less.  Another odd feeling for me . . . could I truly be sad and yet peaceful at the same time?  Could things feel insecure and temporal and yet still walk hand in hand with peace?   And I realized yes.

I do not have faith in mankind.  Mankind has and will fail.   We will treat each other with selfish ambition.  We will mistreat and disrespect.  As Romans 3:10 says, “None is righteous, no not one”  Faith in mankind is not a statement of truth.  It is not something to seek after or strive for. Why would we have faith in something that is not righteous?  It is not something we simply have.  It is not something we should look for in one another.  I do not have faith in you.  And I ask that you not have faith in me.  No, here is the truth about faith . . . it has only one true author . . . it can only be found through one source . . . While I can and should point you to this source, do not put your faith in me.  Only one source can give you peace in a time of chaos or great sorrow.  Only God.  Faith should only be directed to and spoken of in regards to God.  While I may believe my husband will earn his next paycheck, my faith is not in his job and his income.  While I enjoy Past Blessings Farm and the income and creative outlet it provides me, it is not my source of peace.  I do not have faith that it will bring me joy and happiness.

Please do not think I am feeling cynical.  Do I still love people and desire friendships?  Of course.  Do I believe people can be kind and loving?  Of course.  But I also know they can and will fail me.  I am tired of being hurt, tired of disappointed.  I have faith.  I love my faith.  But my faith is only in the Lord.  And with that, there is peace.

So I am moving forward . . . seeking God’s direction.  I have no idea what that may be.  My next few posts will hopefully focus more on Past Blessings Farm and our upcoming show, “Pickin’ on the Prairie” .

I know my last several blogs have been rather heavy and deep.  I am ready to come out of the mire.  To shake off the mud and focus on joy.  I want to share creativity, ideas to bless others and happiness.  I hope you will stick with me in the days to come.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Blessified

By Brenda 07 Jun, 2017
I am so happy to finally be able to blog again!  As many of you may remember I kept hiring website designers that for reasons unknown, kept dropping off the face of the earth.  Finally, in frustration I got the world's thickest Wordpress book and taught myself enough to get my site up and going.  But things kept changing and some plug ins would simply stop working.  My blog wasn't letting me add the fonts I wanted.  More and more issues kept creeping up.   In January, when we ran an ad for one of our shows, a digital code was added to our website to drive traffic.  Not realizing the power of Spambots . . . I hadn't even known what they were before this . . . this code now opened the world to these robots to place spam on my page.  Before we finally switched over to this new site I had . . . get this (almost worthy of a drum roll!)  30,000 spam comments waiting to get on my blog posts!!  It was so incredibly frustrating.  Finally, we went to our team of amazing experts (Katie, Kelly, Melissa and Casey) and had them recreate things.  There were certain things I wanted to remain.  I am abnormally attached to my turquoise barnwood.  I needed my pig logo.  I wanted a similar look and feel to my old page . . . but cleaner and easier to use.  They listened.  They made changes that I wanted.   And they created "captchas" . . . which is where you have to click a button declaring that you are not a robot . . . see apparently Spambots don't have fingers . . . or at least not coordinated fingers . . . so they can't click buttons.  So today I am finally able to blog.  So many changes and exciting things happening here . . . but for today I just want to say "I am back and I am glad you are here, visiting my page."  And I want to say I am grateful.  For something so simple as being able to blog again.  The evil Spambots have been conquered!  Life is good!
By Brenda 04 Apr, 2017
I recently chose to “Unfriend” someone one Facebook. She was no one I was close to and no one who ever did anything to personally “harm” me. It wasn’t over political or social differences. It was because she was unkind to those she should love the most and watching it felt somehow wrong . . […]
By Brenda 26 Feb, 2017

Blessed, Hopeful & A Little Bit Redneck . . .

By Brenda 22 Feb, 2017

So Sorry for the Repeat

By Brenda 22 Feb, 2017
Pickin’ Grace & Pickin’ Post Falls What a long winter it has been. .. and most of us are bored and ready for spring.  So we have the perfect cure for your winter blahs!!  Come to Pickin’ Post Falls Vintage & Artisan Show!! We are so excited!! Our Pickin’ Post Falls show is almost here! […]
By Brenda 03 Jan, 2017
Losing Yourself or Maybe Finding Who You Really Are . . .
By Brenda 10 Dec, 2016
My last post, I hate to admit, was a bit whiny.  I don’t go that direction very often, but on that particular night, I had let fear get the best of me.  Looking back now, I see that God was always in control and always will be.  Our show, “Pickin’ Christmas” was a great success […]
By Brenda 02 Dec, 2016

Tonight I just got home after setting up for our latest show, “Pickin’ Christmas”, which will take place at the Greyhound Event Center in Post Falls Idaho this coming weekend, December 3 and 4.  We have the spots all marked off, the placement figured out for everything from decor to ticket booths . . . and my booth is done.  I am pleased with how simple it came together and how nice I think it will display.  But still tonight finds me anxious and stressed.

By Brenda 28 Nov, 2016
Today, as I sit in my comfy wing back chair, writing this post, the snow is gently falling and  I feel the spirit of Christmas cheer coming as well.  I love this time of the year and we are so excited to be able to add some holiday fun to the lives of those in the Northern Idaho and Eastern Washington area.
By Brenda 24 Nov, 2016
It’s almost here . . . our newest addition to our line up of “Pickin’ Shows” . . . Pickin’ Christmas will come to the beautiful venue, Greyhound Park & Event Center in Post Falls, Idaho December 3 and 4.  This show will be fabulous . . . we will pack the venue with the most amazing, hand picked vendors . . . from vintage to handcrafted creations, there is something for everyone . . . and for everyone on your Christmas list.  Furniture, signs, jewelry, candles, original design clothing, metal art, and so much more.  Repurposed, upcycled and recreated treasures.  Enjoy the lovely Christmas music playing in the background as you find one-0f-a-kind treasures and enjoy fabulous food from our food vendors.  $7.00 gets you in for the entire weekend (with a stamp on your hand) and kiddos under 12 are always free.  Free parking as well, at this conveniently located venue, just off of I-90.  Don’t miss it!!
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