That being said, the last few months have brought about quite a bit of change for me, on a very personal level. It has been a time of great self-evaluation. I have asked God to show me what I need to change, to make it clear to me the direction my life needs to move. He has very clearly closed some doors and I pray He will open others. When things began crumbling, I found myself at a place I am not sure I have ever been before. I felt alone. I felt hurt. But more than that, I felt broken. Yes, I have dealt with grief at some level before. I have been hurt and even mistreated. But I had always felt hopeful. I had always simply expected the sun to shine and for life to get better. But this time, for the first time, I didn’t expect that. Instead, I found myself feeling changed . . . saddened, removed and . . . yes . . . “broken.
Have you ever felt broken? Have you ever felt like you finally passed a threshold that doesn’t allow you to turn around and go back . . . or even to choose another door? Sort of like the Hotel California . . . you can never leave. I found myself contemplating my new “state of being.” I felt sort of numb. Perhaps like someone just observing the life of another but not really living it. As I watched this life . . . this life I somehow felt disconnected from . . . there was an odd peace. Not happiness . . . no, I knew I was still mourning the loss of friendship and normalcy, but peace never-the-less. Another odd feeling for me . . . could I truly be sad and yet peaceful at the same time? Could things feel insecure and temporal and yet still walk hand in hand with peace? And I realized yes.
I do not have faith in mankind. Mankind has and will fail. We will treat each other with selfish ambition. We will mistreat and disrespect. As Romans 3:10 says, “None is righteous, no not one” Faith in mankind is not a statement of truth. It is not something to seek after or strive for. Why would we have faith in something that is not righteous? It is not something we simply have. It is not something we should look for in one another. I do not have faith in you. And I ask that you not have faith in me. No, here is the truth about faith . . . it has only one true author . . . it can only be found through one source . . . While I can and should point you to this source, do not put your faith in me. Only one source can give you peace in a time of chaos or great sorrow. Only God. Faith should only be directed to and spoken of in regards to God. While I may believe my husband will earn his next paycheck, my faith is not in his job and his income. While I enjoy Past Blessings Farm and the income and creative outlet it provides me, it is not my source of peace. I do not have faith that it will bring me joy and happiness.
Please do not think I am feeling cynical. Do I still love people and desire friendships? Of course. Do I believe people can be kind and loving? Of course. But I also know they can and will fail me. I am tired of being hurt, tired of disappointed. I have faith. I love my faith. But my faith is only in the Lord. And with that, there is peace.
I know my last several blogs have been rather heavy and deep. I am ready to come out of the mire. To shake off the mud and focus on joy. I want to share creativity, ideas to bless others and happiness. I hope you will stick with me in the days to come. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future and for that, I am eternally grateful.
Tonight I just got home after setting up for our latest show, “Pickin’ Christmas”, which will take place at the Greyhound Event Center in Post Falls Idaho this coming weekend, December 3 and 4. We have the spots all marked off, the placement figured out for everything from decor to ticket booths . . . and my booth is done. I am pleased with how simple it came together and how nice I think it will display. But still tonight finds me anxious and stressed.